Overcoming ANY Self Doubts, Fears and Judgements

Self doubt, fear of failure and worrying about judgement from others is the real bermuda triangle that once most people enter too deeply, they rarely come out the other side!

Any of those has the ability to cripple our dreams, ambitions or inspiration in a heartbeat.

The amount of conversations I have with Men about why they are struggling to reach their goals or what’s potentially stopping them even starting, is often because they feel challenged by one of more of the below:

1) Self doubt and feeling they lack confidence in themselves, lacking in their self worth and question whether they are enough or good enough.

2) Fear of failure and looking like a failure to others, what will people think or say?

3) And lastly they worry about judgement or criticism from others such as; Partners, family, friends, peers, social media followers etc, What will people think or say if I do this?

 

Have you ever said or felt anything similar to the above?

 

If you have, here’s the big dilemma…

 

You’re probably in a conflict with yourself.

 

Conflict between showing up in the world more impactfully to follow and create your life’s dreams…

And struggling with one or more of the limiting beliefs you have created around why you CAN’T do that.

So you end up feeling STUCK between these two places and unable to move!

 

I know this feeling all to well.

In 2018 after I qualified as a professional coach, I had the ambition, I had the qualifications and I had a powerful message I wanted to share with the world, But I was in conflict with my own self doubt and fear.

 

I would repeatedly say to myself;

“Who the hell am I to coach other people on areas such as life and business, what do I know?”

“Who will listen to me anyway, I’m too young”.

“What will people think about me doing this, they’re probably going to laugh about me behind my back?”

These words going over and over in my head constantly causing me to procrastinate, feel stuck and then become increasing frustrated because I wasn’t moving forward.

 

So what’s the solution?

 

Well in all honesty there isn’t a short cut. There’s no, do X,Y and Z and heypresto you’re fixed,

But…

YOU can start creating awareness around your OWN thoughts and limiting beliefs.

 

When I’m coaching my clients they are able to breakthrough their mental barriers because of impactful and powerful coaching conversations.

The reason this works is because I listen to them, listen to what they’re really saying and I help them gain perspective on the situation via powerful questioning.

If you scroll back up slightly and re-read the thoughts I had in my head as to “why” I couldn’t build a coaching business, you’ll notice that I am asking myself questions.

The problem is the type of questions I’m asking myself are poor quality and because I keep asking these same “types” of questions I continue to get the same self defeating answers,

And this is what happens to all of us.

 

We continue to ask ourselves poor quality, self defeating questions and we get the same response, resulting in us staying STUCK.

 

If you struggle with self defeating thoughts, self doubt, limiting beliefs or fears then one way to get beyond this is to create the space to listen to what you are saying and asking yourself.

Writing it down is very important.

Then gain some perspective on WHY you think this way, is there any truth to what you are saying?

The minute we get the thoughts out of our head is when we can actually gain perspective on them and in many ways, challenge them.

 

THEN…You can ask yourself world class questions such as:

  • Who am I if I’m being everything I am fully capable of being?
  • Why did I start this, what is my true intention?
  • Given the situation (fear, doubt) what am I going to create?

 

These are just a starting point to start you on a path of reframing the questions you ask yourself.

 

My bigger purpose is to help men show up in the world as the very best version of themselves…

 

And for me to live out that, I had to start showing up for myself. This started by challenging my self defeating thoughts and ideas I had about myself and got factual perspective on everything with the help of a coach.

 

If you are stuck right now or disheartened in your pursuit of success and it’s down to the thoughts and ideas you tell yourself, Then start with the above questions or message me direct for deeper support.

Thank you for reading

David

 

PS:

If you have a go at asking yourself those questions, let me know how you get on with them, I’d love to know.

How Your Mindset Can Run Your Business

I’m a massive advocate of journaling, and in recent years ‘this’ activity has had some positive press around it. For those who don’t really get ‘journaling’, it’s not necessarily keeping a diary of your day, although that info sometimes goes in. It’s more a process of writing down your current thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas and self questioning your perceptions about yourself, actions, life and dreams.

What I want to hone in on in this post is the act of…Self Questioning.

Now I don’t care who you are, how successful you are, what you’ve achieved in life, we all suffer with negative thoughts and stories. These are often a series of negative thoughts we have flowing through our mind on a regular basis.

The problem MOST people have is they NEVER challenge their thoughts and stories. They just leave them to run wild in their mind and because of this often stay stuck in an area (or areas) of life. This is because they continue to listen and believe the thought and this controls the actions taken and ultimately the outcome they get.

Simple things like: “I’m stupid”, “I can’t do that”, “I should be more successful by now”, “I’m fat”, “Who will listen to me”, “I’m too old, I’m too young”, “I could never do that”, “I’m just not wired that way”, “I’ve always been the type of person who…”.

You get the idea.

I was doing my own journaling on Friday and the thought that came to my mind was…“I should have more clients by now”.

I became conscious of this thought and for a few minutes it controlled my focus. I started to think “Yeah I should have more clients now, why don’t I?” “What am I doing wrong, am I not good enough, am I not doing enough?”

These self petetuaing thoughts running through my mind, if these were left unchecked then I would start to either react to them and I believe them, OR they would over time erode my self confidence, which I know all too well from my childhood.

In the past thoughts like this have been left unchecked and I would get all stressed and anxious. I would start to feel fear and start to panic in my business. This has often led me to make mistakes in many ways from doing poor reactive marketing, taking on poor clients or just staying anxious and overwhelmed.

Think about the current story you have been telling yourself;

What is it?

What do you say to yourself, what are you believing about yourself?

With this thought or story, how is it affecting you?

Is it keeping you stuck in procrastination? keeping you stressed and anxious? Do you feel low on self belief and thus stay where you are? Does it make you reactive and fall into a victim mindset? Without knowing your negative story, I guarantee that it’s affecting you.

The key is to hear that story and then do something about it. This is where the POWER of self awareness comes in and self awareness is a learned skill that you continue to improve.

Due to the coaching, therapy and work I have put into myself over the years I had enough self awareness to CHALLENGE THE THOUGHT!

I said to myself: “F**K YOU”. I wrote it down, and then I simply went to work on it.

Now, here’s what some coaches do, they tell you to replace that negative thought with a positive one, an overriding affirmation.

All this does is starts to bog your mind down and overload it with thoughts, now your mind has more thoughts and in time goes between which one it should believe the most and too often this depends on the mood you are in. In all honesty it’s very difficult to replace one negative story with a positive one…WITHOUT challenging the negative thought to begin with. It’s the same as having weak housing foundations that are made out of rotting wood and instead of ripping them out and starting fresh, you just lay concrete over the top and hope that it will hold when you build your new 3 story house.

It won’t and our thoughts are the same.

I believe that in 2020 we will see a MAJOR trend where business leaders will focus on growing their mindset, become more self aware and learn to recognise and evolve their emotional intelligence as a prerequisite for success in the modern age of business.

Here’s why: Because the life we live, the success we have and how we see and rate ourselves, is ONLY a direct reflection on how we see the world, our OWN perspective, values and experiences, And for as long as we see it via our current perspective we WILL continue to experience the same results. In short, having the same mindset in 2020 will give you the same results or worse as it did in 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016 etc etc.

So if you want to unlock the potential within yourself and have that align to your business, then unlocking and cultivating your mindset is critical.

Read all the books you want, attend all the courses you desire, listen to all the podcasts that are out there, these are great…But they don’t help you do the most critical thing…Challenge your current module of thinking and this is where you can truly create a mindset that’s bullet proof for success. Because this is where we must do THE WORK and start cultivating our mind.

On Friday I sat down and asked myself if the thought I was having “I should have more clients by now“. Then I asked myself, “Is this true?” and I used my 3 step system (see below) to help me do this. This is also a system I use with my Performance Coaching Clients to help them overcome the stories that hold them back from being the best they can be.

Here’s a simple system that works, but only when you put the work into it.

1) What is the truth? Write the thought or story down and ask yourself is this even true?

Is there any evidence to suggest that it is? Is so, what evidence is there? If not then there is No truth in the story and you have created an expectation for yourself that doesn’t align with you, your goals or your why. The thought is just a thought and nothing more.

Then ask yourself, What is the actual truth?

In my case the truth was, I have the clients I have created because of the work I have put into creating them. If I want more clients then I need to either; keep doing what I’m doing, do more client attraction and also understand that doing thing consistently over time creates results. Remember time is time and the more time you put into something, the better the long term results. The quick fix, instant gratification model the world uses right now is total unfulfilling and mentally damaging BS.

2) Given the situation what do I want to create? So the situation is I would love more clients, so what can I do to create more clients? I write down solutions, options and ideas. Ask yourself the same question to your situation.

Create a list of possible solutions, NONE of which you have to do just yet, just be creative and think outside of your story and then pick one and DO IT. Ask yourself the question: Given the situation what do I want to create?

3) Create an agreement not an expectation. Move away from expectations and what you expect of yourself and others because you will always be left feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied. Why?

Because people (or you) either don’t reach your expectations or they (or you do) and you expected that anyway…So either way you feel dissatisfied.

Instead create an agreement and accountability, something or someone to keep accountable to. This creates something you hold yourself to based upon the TRUTH of the situation and the outcomes you have set yourself. Accountability is often the missing piece for business leaders because they have NO one to keep them accountable to their growth, actions and decisions, who right now keeps you accountable to doing what you said you would do?

For me it’s a case of, I’m going to consistently do 3 things every month for 3 months to create 3 new clients. And I will be held accountable by X to do this.

For anyone who is reading this who wants to unlock their truest potential in 2020 and beyond, the key is to work past THAT story or thought you have running through your head. That one that’s keeping you where you are right now.

The reality is you can’t ignore it and hope it goes away. You can’t replace it with a positive affirmation and hope that it goes it just goes away…

BUT you can challenge it and realise that thoughts are just thoughts and they have NO power, control or hold over you…It’s you and I that put emotion and power into our thoughts. It’s us that allows them to control us. It’s like standing at the side of the road and each car passing is a thought, we can either let the cars drive by and pay them no attention, or we can latch into one specific type where we focus and obsess about it.

A thought is just a thought and it’s us that allows them to dictate our beliefs and actions. It’s us that allows us to become emotionally invested around them. If you have a challenging thought and are struggling to let it pass you by, then write it down and start challenging your assumptions around it. Get clarity and then use my 3 step system about to create outcomes and actions that MOVE YOU pass it.

This is some of the work I have done myself on a regular basis and the work I support my clients to do because without it we continue to stay frustrated and stuck in our situation and there’s nothing worse than knowing you have the potential to achieve more in life and with yourself, but you can’t seem to get out of your own way.

This is why the performance coaching work I do with my clients has so much transformational benefit and is supporting my clients to create the life and business they desire most. On top of that it’s the accountability for you to follow through on your actions, because who right now is holding you accountable?

If you would like to know more about how we could work together and have an informal conversation, message me direct or email me at: wilkinsondj@hotmail.co.uk

Have an amazing 2020

David

What Do You Do If You Don’t Have Time?

You say you don’t have time and struggle to find the time to work on your goals…

I say…BS.

I’m not going to beat around the bush here, I’m going straight into it.

You say you don’t have time to work on your goals…I say you’re not MAKING the time.

Let’s break down the ‘lack of time myth’:

– You have 168 hours per week…WE ALL HAVE THIS. Everyone from you, to Bill Gates and Serena Williams.

– Sleep for 50 of them (average 7hours per night)

– Work for 40 of them,

– Groom for 8 of them,

– Eat and drink for 10 of them…

So how are you spending the other 60 hours, or more specifically 8.5hours per day?

Let’s say you have other commitments, longer working hours, family, gym, commuting to work etc.

ALL that taken into account are you REALLY telling me you don’t have JUST 60 minutes spare per day to work on your dreams?

JUST 7hours per week MAX. 

If you read this and say “No I still don’t have time”. Then my advise to you is your goals aren’t enough for you because if you can’t carve out a little time to work on your dreams then your dreams aren’t for you.

That’s all it takes to get started, 60minutes per day to to work on your dream body, life, business, career or whatever your ambition is.

For most people to find 60minutes extra per day just need to stop mindlessly scrolling Facebook or Instagram and they’ll find time.

Imagine if you just did 60minutes today on your goal, that’s an extra 60minutes you’ve spent on your goal today than you did yesterday. By doing this you are now at least ONE step closer to the outcome you want.

Everything in life in HOW you view it from your perspective. This is partly what MINDSET is.

Someone says; “I don’t have time”.

I say; “You’re not making time”. All because we are both looking at it from different angles.

Change the way you view things and this will transform how you spend those valuable minutes.

You’re either moving closer to your dreams or further away and this comes down to your value of time and how you use it.

Alpha Dave

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The Paralyzing Power of Feeling Overwhelmed.

The paralyzing power of feeling overwhelmed and the NEGATIVE affect it has on your life.

The scenario;

We start a new career path or business, or maybe a new training and dieting program and because we are excited and motivated our intention is to do as MUCH as we can.

We want to do it all now and strike whilst our motivation and energy is highest. We feel we can take on the world, We want to be at our end goal NOW…

But because of this do we actually end up biting off more than we can chew or taking on more than we can handle? 

We try so hard to do it ALL, that we end up doing nothing and become paralyzed with feeling overwhelmed.

For example:

We try to do everything on our new diet, following the plan 100%, buy all the recommend supplements, the healthy foods, cooking clean meals, avoiding social events, cutting back on alcohol, sugar etc.

However after a few weeks we realise that we just can’t keep this pace so we end up stopping. Or we adjust the diet to fit and end up doing less and less until we eventually go back to eating how we did before we started.

Let’s say the goal is to get in shape so we hit the gym 5-6 x per week, every week. Doing classes, HIIT training, cardio, weights, core work etc…We try and fit it all in but we get tired, burned out, we miss sessions and then get peed off. The more this happens the higher our chances are of stopping. We started out by doing more exercise than we can physically and mentally handle and the only way forward is to do less. The problem with doing ‘less’ is we can feel like we’re failing.

Maybe we start doing a sport and we try to progress quickly because we want to get good at it sooner rather than later. We try and develop the fitness, the strength, the skills and knowledge that go with the sport, But its a long process. We end up realising that their’s soooo much to it that we haven’t got time to fit it in. So we either continue to feel overwhelmed and underprepared in the sport, feeling like we aren’t good enough…Or we quit.

Maybe we start a new career or open a new business, we start doing everything, reading and learning everything. Going onto courses, building our skills, marketing, getting new clients, networking, branding, tax returns., accounts, sales, employment, trying to get ahead, putting more hours in…The list goes on.

We dive in the deep end and try and swim. We try and keep pace but realise that we are doing everything, and none of it to the standard needed to create a successful business or a flying career. We realise we can’t keep this pace so we feel stressed, burned out, anxious. We start to procrastinate on tasks, decisions, things don’t move forward as quickly as we’d like. So we start to panic, get frustrated and stress ourselves out.

We’re not growing the business at the rate we want. We’re spending almost every waking minute consumed by the business/career. Over time we’ll spend year upon year driving everyone close to us away and all we’ll have is a business/job that you LIVE to work for, becoming a slave to it. And every waking day is just a series of stresses and overwhelm.

In most of these situations feeling OVERWHELMED is the core of it all. This sometimes can become so intense that we end up procrastinating. And this means we end up doing NOTHING…Which makes us feel MORE overwhelmed and stressed… So the cycle continues. 

Overwhelm

Why does this happen?

Because as humans and we already have a full plate in our lives. We’re already doing and juggling so much, especially in the modern world where we WANT to have it all.

HOWEVER we only have so much time, energy and mental space for so many things (Work, Family, Fitness, Fun, Sport, Eating, Sleeping, Social time, Down Time, Personal development)…especially if we want to have everything that life offers.

So what SHOULD we do?

“Swing Singles”.

The key is to take small BUT consistent swings at life, or put differently just take one step at a time…aka Swing Singles.

The aim is to do JUST ONE THING, OR TAKE THAT ONE STEP that moves you closer to your goal/s. And ONLY one thing until this becomes a permanent part of your daily routine

Then once we’ve done that we can focus on the next step WHILST continuing to do step 1.

For example:

+ If you want to improve your nutrition then change ONE eating habit. For example eat a healthy breakfast 6 days per week for 4 weeks. This ingrains the HABIT. Just do ONE thing. Leave everything else until you can consistently eat a healthy breakfast. Don’t worry about lunch, dinner, snacks etc. Don’t worry about gluten and sugar content right now. Just nail down 1 meal. Get that right first and THEN move on.

+ If you want to improve your fitness and you DON’T exercise right now, then start with doing 10minutes of exercise 3 x per week. If you do exercise then just increase what you do by 10%. So if you run 5miles 3 x per week then run 5.5miles. Avoid trying to add in 1-2 more sessions per week, or trying to go 5 x per week. You’re got to do things that are manageable. Start small then build up.

+ If you want to grow your business choose 1 AREA to work on and do this consistently for 4 weeks. If it’s sales that could be make 1 phone call to a perceptive client 5 days per week for 4 weeks. Then do 2 per day and so now. Ingrain the habit of ‘DOING’ into your schedule.

It sounds so simple…And it is in theory.

What makes this strategy work is YOUR doing something that will have a positive affect on the area of life you wish to improve. Doing something that is manageable and then ‘doing it’ over and over again (swinging singles) until it brings results.

Results aren’t achieved by hitting a ‘home run’ every once in a while or trying to keep hitting them over and over even when you keep missing. This one hit wonder mentality and trying to do it ALL in one go, is what’s leaving you feeling more overwhelmed because you continue to miss the long term results.

The key is to keep hitting that ball for a single. Then move to base one, then hit it for another single and you move to base 2 etc etc. I’m using a Baseball metaphor to describe Swing Singles…But I think it fits really well.

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Most people try this all or nothing approach. It’s all in at 100%. But then after 3-4 weeks or so motivation drops and every week they end up doing less, 90%, 80%, 70% etc. Until they end up doing ZERO…Sound familiar?

However when you swing singles the approach is to do 10% this week, then 20% next month, then 30% and so on. We continue to move forward and do MORE…Not do less.

Once you have that one habit ingrained into you and your DAILY routine for about a 28day time period…Then start the next habit, swing that next single. And repeat the process…This strategy works. 

Swing singles everyday and that is when the magic happens.
Remember you are human, your not a robot. You can’t keep doing more and more, you’ll burn out, get overwhelmed, stressed and frustrated…Then you’ll quit.

Flip this on its head, do less now. Start small and build upon these habits over time.

The art of swinging singles is the secret to LONG TERM success.

Alpha Dave